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a_charming_soul
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Name: Raquel Natalia
Birthday: 6/19/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: I LOVE to perform. I've been singing, dancing, and acting my whole life. I also love to travel and meet new people and I plan on traveling the world. I love to watch movies and read and I'm also a big sports girl and love to play soccer and water-ski.
Expertise: performing and entertaining
Occupation: student/entertainer
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Lildramaqueen619
AIM:  Lildramaqueen676
MSN: rackle619
Yahoo:  SDdramaqueen619
Member Since:
8/16/2003
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| All she wanted to do was forget about the past.
Everytime she looked at pictures she remembered how fake her smile was.
She didn't have to please anyone, she just felt like she had to.
And after a days work she closed the door to her room and a storm of volcanic tears attacked her pale cheeks.
And she tugged on her hair and banged her fists on her bed.
She knew that after this short relief tomorrow would come.
And that same smile would be put on her face.
She couldn't shed one tear for fear of hurting those she loved most.
No. She couldn't do that.
Instead she'd rather hide those tears behind that fake smile.
Her hair won't complain on the tugs and her bed won't mind another beating.
But even those short reliefs won't last long.
She'd rather crawl in her bed and never wake up.
No pain. Just like that.
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Missing All Alone
Once again I feel alone & abondoned in this world.
My mom says I'm a very special girl.
Does he agree with her?
Why can't he just see how much pain is in my heart?
It's like my mind & my heart are telling me two completely different things.
Should I trust him?
Does he even care?
I feel like he thinks that I am the worst thing in his life.
Last time I checked I thought I was supposed to be his one and only.
He says I make him happy but there is no evidence that he believes such a thing.
I'm not his guardian angel, his Princess, his hero, or even his best friend.
In his eyes I'm not even beautiful anymore.
He says he prefers me without any makeup & will love me no matter what.
I still try to please him.
He never even notices when I wear my pearls.
He hardly ever smells my hair or likes my perfume.
I miss how he used to just grab me and pull me into his arms & say that he will never let me go,
I'm not complaining, just missing.
Missing all alone. | | |
| So it's Christmas and little to my surprise I've cried and gotten into fights with others. Usually I don't care if people people like me or not because I've gone through so much that this is me and I'm not changing. But it really hurts to know that people don't like me when they're close to someone I love very much and they don't even know me. Even worse, that person lets them think what they want.
And then there's my dad and Erika. Honestly this Christmas has been the best one in years and the only people who have to somehow make it otherwise are these two. I want to say that I've given up but that's not who I am. But then again, this is kind of a lost cause because just like I can't change the way how I am neither can they.
I really don't know what I want in my life. I used to have dreams, big dreams. All my life I've wanted to study abroad in Italy during college and here I am and not pursuing it. It seems there's a lot of things that I want to do but for some reason feel limited. I hate the fact that I can't say that I love Christmas. I tried to cover my "history" with it by getting my own tree and christmas lights, building a gingerbread house, and buying lots of presents for sooo many people.
I went to church last night wondering if I wasn't going to cry for the first time in three years. I was doing fine until I kneeled down to pray. I had those silent tears, you know the really hot ones, running down my cheeks and falling off my nose onto my sweater. And then to end service the choir started singing "Silent Night", my absolute favorite Christmas song ever since I was a little girl. I wanted to sing but I couldn't. I was crying so hard and Beca grabbed my hand and sqeezed it tighter and tighter all while singing quietly in my ear. Ariana saw and I could hear her whisper to my mom, "Raquel's crying". I hated that she could see me but what could I do? I just lost it I guess. So here I am now wondering if this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. Am I going to cry every night on Christmas Eve just like I did for the first time when I was fifteen? I won't have Beca's hand every year because soon we'll have our own families and our own agendas to tend to. Who will hold my hand? I'm a strong girl I know I am but I know that this is way harder than it should be. So here I am now, laying alone in my bed while I know I should be packing for Mexico and I know there are people that I should be seeing. But I just can't right now. To my left is the window where it all happened. That window and balcony have been a huge part of my life both good and bad. But it's the bad that is what haunts me all the time and especially on December 24th & 25th.
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| I'm home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG it feels soooooo good to be back here. My mommy and sisters surprised me with a DISNEY PRINCESS MURAL on my wall to go along with my castle that was painted on my other wall when i was six. So all you girls who say you're a DISNEY PRINCESS...yea i was one before they started that whole DISNEY PRINCESS club. So today's Christmas Eve....I really hope that this Christmas is good this year...I haven't had a good one since my Sophmore year so I'm really hesitant.
Yesterday I went with my mom and sisters to Orange County to go have "Cousin's Christmas" at my grandparents house. I saw TATUM MICHELE my adorable little cousin who is so like me when I was little and also her little sister KENADY MCCALL who is only two an absolute doll with red hair. And of course I loved seeing my cousin Megz, I've missed her so much....
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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| So my Critical Thinking final was today. My contacts were bugging me so much I flat out took out my compact mirror and took them out and threw them on the floor. I just want finals to be over already this is getting really old.
11. Learn how to fly a plane and a helicopter.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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